So as I am waiting for Jett to fall asleep I have time to write a bit. Only I don’t know where to begin.
Here is 1 topic I promised to write about.
Institutionalism. When we were in China Jett had classic behaviors such as rocking and hitting himself as forms of self-comfort and self-stimulation. He was (and is) developmentally delayed. We have been told to expect one month of delays for every 3 months in an institution. We got Jett as a 14 month old who seemed much more like a 9 month old, which puts him just a little further behind then we would have expected. He did not babble, his hands were still held in fists, his chin seemed glued to his chest, and other things but I don’t want to bore you. The encouraging thing is that, as we had been told, many of these behaviors improved while we were still in China. It took a few days of us drawing his eyes upwards but he no longer looks down all the time, I presume this is because he was used to entertaining himself by playing with toys in his lap. Within a couple of days he was babbling with consonants, now he mimics us pretty good although he doesn’t have any real words yet. While still in China he learned to clap which meant that he had to learn to uncurl his fists. Since we’ve been home he has learned to feed himself, which is HUGE because feeding times seem to be a big stressor for him. I could have food waiting for him on a spoon in front of his mouth, ready to shove it in the moment he opened his lips and he would still throw his body around in full temper tantrum force, and we didn’t know what to do about it. Him being able to feed himself seems to have given him control over the process and meal times are practically peaceful, considering I have a one and two-year old, that’s really saying something. Jett is still delayed, he can not drink from a cup, he knows it goes into his mouth but he does not understand that he needs to raise it to get the liquid out. And I heard something about orphanages restricting water intake, so I really have to offer a lot during the day because he frequently refuses it and will do hours without a wet diaper. He is not dehydrated, but isn’t quite drinking enough to keep me from worrying. And he tends to choke on his water, don’t know the cause of this… All this to say, most days we can’t tell he was in an orphanage. When we got him he was strong, able to pull himself up and walk around furniture and his crib. He crawls great. He has a flat head, which even though this is common I was really angry when I saw that. And him not babbling made me angry too. I will get to this later, and forgive me any negativity you sense in this post but I want to be honest with what I saw and felt, but at the orphanage everyone acted as though they loved our Jett. One caregiver even had tears in her eyes as she asked our guide to translate for her that Jett was her favorite and could she please hold him. And she asked me to promise to bring him back one day. And I was so angry at the flat head (left for too many hours on his back in his crib) and the lack of babbling (lack of spoken interaction with adults) that I wanted to literally shout at her, “If he is your favorite then why didn’t you pick him up! Why didn’t you talk to him?” I know my husband would say that there are other children and one person can only do so much, but if he was so loved I would have expected more. Even now it makes me want to cry to think of how much he must have been left alone.
Now, let me also say this. Jett is from Jiangsu, which is one of the richest provinces in China. He is also from Xuzhou, one of the best orphanages in China. I have heard sad stories, and I even saw some there, of children from poorer regions or just poorer orphanage conditions and overall Jett was in excellent condition. While I will address frustrations I had, I always want to be mindful of how good he is doing and it is because of the care he received while in China, an orphanage will never be as good as a mom and dad – but that is why these children need so very much to be adopted.
One other thing I want to mention, in China the one child law still exists, although in some areas there are exceptions (if you have a daughter you can try for a boy). The one child law only applies to biological children, a family can adopt as many children as they want. I asked both my guides if they knew of any Chinese who had adopted and neither did. One of our American friends in China does have a friend of a friend who did adopt a little girl who was going to be abandoned by her teenage mother, I will mention this again later and tell you the whole story – it is interesting.
But not tonight, because while I have typed Jett has fallen asleep and I have 4 loads of laundry to fold – yikes!
Oh! One more thing, the rocking and thrashing have stopped. And even when Jett was rocking and crying in his sleep, me simply putting my hand on his back stopped it instantly. He just needed a little reassurance. I am still recovering from the bruise on my collarbone from leaning into the pack-n-play with my hand on Jett’s back waiting for the behavior to stop. It did, and now one month later, even though I still sit with him while he falls asleep we are each sleeping in our own rooms. Some nights I am woken by him crying, either in his sleep or he has woken up, but once again a reassuring touch and he falls right back to sleep. The beginning is tough, but things are falling into place. And we are in a good place right now.
